Have you created personal boundaries with your family, friends, or partners? Did you know there are a multitude of ways to make them? Look no further!
Victoria Priya is an author who used her expertise in social work to help develop a book that helps readers create personal boundaries. In Priya’s second book, Personal Boundaries For Dummies (For Dummies: Learning Made Easy), she explores a step-by-step guide for readers to understand their boundaries and how to apply them in their lives. Maya Stokley interviews Priya about her research, inspiration, and personal experiences on setting boundaries!
Priya’s Process & Definition of Personal Boundaries
Maya: What was the inspiration for Personal Boundaries for Dummies?
Victoria: Out of the blue, I received an unsolicited email from an acquisitions editor at Wiley & Sons, publishers of the Dummies© series books. She wanted to know if I would like to write a book about personal boundaries for the Dummies series. I love sharing what I’ve learned about the life-changing impact of personal and relationship boundaries, so it was an offer I couldn’t refuse!
Maya: How do you define personal boundaries in simple terms related to your book?
Victoria: Personal boundaries are limits and parameters you create around your physical space, personal belongings, what you say, and how you listen. Their primary purpose is to protect
and create order. Every person is the ultimate decider about every boundary they create. No one gets to tell another adult what their boundaries should or shouldn’t be.
Priya’s Publishing Journey for Personal Boundaries For Dummies
Maya: I’m curious: did you need to set any personal boundaries to get your book written and published? If so, what boundaries did you set, with whom, and how?
Victoria: Absolutely! You must create structure if you want to accomplish or create anything that has lasting value. It is another word for boundaries.
The most valuable information for writers and aspiring authors about themselves is knowing their best writing schedule, finding their preferred place or space to write, and identifying the writing tools that work best for them.
My best practices for getting writing done are to write in the morning before doing any other work is being in a completely private and quiet space. Then, I like to remove distractions like cell phones or notifications. After that, I divide my writing periods into one-hour segments with a timer.
Lessons Learned about Writing and Publishing
Maya: This is your second traditionally published book. What did you learn about writing and publishing when you worked on the first book, with Lisa Tener as your coach, that you applied to writing the second book (and/or book proposal)?
Victoria: Creating structure and a writing schedule is key to finishing a book. Deadlines—a form of boundaries—are vital to the process.
One of my best decisions with my first book, Moving Beyond Betrayal, was to include a link for readers to get a free downloadable companion eWorkbook. Not only was the workbook a service to readers, but it also created a way for me to stay in touch with readers after they were on my mailing list. So, this resource in the first book was so successful that I decided to repeat it for Personal Boundaries For Dummies. Readers can get the 6-Step Boundaries Clarifier eWorkbook by using the link in the book. It will guide them through the six steps for identifying, creating, and maintaining effective boundaries I present in the book.
It Is All Part Of A Larger Series
Maya: This second book is part of an established series—the “Dummies” books, published by Wiley. In what ways was this second journey different from the first, with new lessons about writing and publishing?
Victoria: Wiley & Sons conducts their own internal research to identify the best potential authors for Dummies titles. Based on their research, they contact potential authors directly and they don’t accept unsolicited submissions for Dummies books.
Writing a Dummies book is a highly structured process with tight deadlines that keep the process moving quickly and efficiently. What impressed me most about the process was the number of editors involved and the editing quality. Five editors work on each Dummies title. One of the editors is called a technical editor. Technical editors must be knowledgeable about the book’s subject matter and make sure that the subject matter is sound. Requiring this level of editorial review for each title means that readers can trust the information contained in the book.
Priya’s Research and Design For Personal Boundaries For Dummies
Maya: What was your research process? How did you combine your experience with helping others find their boundaries and research for this book?
Victoria: Prior to writing Personal Boundaries For Dummies, I had a large body of work related to personal and relationship boundaries, including my first book, Moving Beyond Betrayal, and a highly successful podcast (Beyond B*tchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries) I hosted from 2018-2021. Personal Boundaries For Dummies is based not only on my past training with clinicians but also on my clinical work with clients over the past 17 years and my own experience over six decades to practice and improve my boundaries.
Maya: What role do the icons play throughout the book?
Victoria: Dummies books are intentionally designed to be easy to read and accessible. Icons in the Dummies books (Tip, Remember, Warning) attract the reader’s attention. When you pick up a Dummies book, the icons help you learn about the topic quickly and easily.
A Few Struggles When Setting Boundaries
Maya: You touched upon this question in your book. Why do you think people struggle with setting personal boundaries?
Victoria: I can’t tell you how many people have told me over the years, “I had no idea what boundaries were!” The primary reason people struggle with setting boundaries is that most of us didn’t learn good personal or relationship boundaries growing up; in the same way, most of us weren’t taught how to manage our finances. If you didn’t learn good boundaries growing up, the consequences catch up with you sooner or later. Whether the problem is not standing up for yourself, sharing too much with people who haven’t earned your trust, or having poor physical or sexual boundaries, you’ll realize that you need to learn more about how boundaries work to create a better life experience.
Maya: Can you share a personal experience of when setting boundaries became life-changing for you?
Victoria: There are so many! Whether you’re aware of it or not, you exercise boundaries daily. Right now, I’m sitting in a quiet room by myself because I wanted to block off time and space to answer these questions. All these choices are examples of simple boundaries. Some of the most impactful boundaries I’ve set involved saying no or making the difficult decision to do what I wanted to do when others didn’t agree or approve. Being committed to healthy boundaries will regularly require you to choose pleasing yourself over pleasing others if you’re going to maintain your self-respect and peace.
The Impact of Learning Different Personal Boundaries
Maya: Based on your expertise in Chapter 1, which boundary type do people seem to underestimate the importance of the most based on your experience helping those achieve these boundaries?
Victoria: The listening boundary is by far the most difficult boundary. The reason is that most people don’t know how to filter and process words they hear through their minds. If you don’t think this is true for you, in the next 24 hours, see how often you can accurately repeat someone close to you. You’ll likely discover that what you repeat back to them resembles what you think they meant. When you listen to another person, your mind translates what they said into what you believe they meant. Then, you respond based on your translation. You’re no longer engaged in an accurate dialogue. The worst part is that this is how most humans communicate!
Cultural Differences
Maya: In Chapter 1, you talk about acknowledging cultural differences related to respecting one’s boundaries. For example, you mentioned how touching the top of a child’s
head is deemed rude in the Vietnamese community. Could you describe another time in the book when you learned about cultural boundaries? What did you learn from it?
Victoria: Cultural boundaries are more complicated and far-reaching than you imagine. For example, I belong to a community of people who have adopted a child internationally. This community is its own subculture with its own language and the lens through which it sees the world. If you’re not in this subculture, you likely don’t know the language or dynamics that can cause hurt feelings or are simply uninformed. None of us can know or understand every culture, subculture and all the nuances within each of those communities. When it comes to cultural differences and boundaries, the kindest thing we can do when having cross-cultural interactions is to bring an overabundance of grace to the situation. Getting offended is easy. But if you spend your time feeling offended about what people say and do out of their ignorance or even hatred, you’ll spend a lot of time feeling offended!
An Exercise For The Absence Of Order
Maya: In Chapter 4, you mentioned an exercise readers can use to understand how the absence of order impacts them. Why did you decide to add that to your book? Can you share how the lack of order can affect someone?
Victoria: I wanted readers to see how structure impacts their lives and calms the nervous system. In fact, each of the four examples of calming the nervous system with order can be applied to the writing process. Setting an alarm or timer is a very effective way to focus your time and get writing done. Putting things first helps you avoid jumping ahead. For example, designing a book cover before the book title. Managing your time is essential in any significant endeavor. Finally, planning ahead to avoid stressful reactions is the principle behind creating a writing schedule with deadlines and sticking to them.
Maya: Also, in Chapter 4, you revisit the four boundary types and relate them to safety and order. How do both concepts relate to one another?
Victoria: The relationship between order and safety ranges from the simple to the complex. For example, you throw your clothes and shoes on the floor every day after you get home from work. Then, you only pick them up every other week when you do your laundry. The disorder on your bedroom floor may create a safety hazard that causes you to trip and fall. On a grand scale, imagine taking a cross-country trip without the order of lines on the road for each lane, stop lights, stop signs, or speed limits. This lack of order would make you chaotic and more dangerous and exponentially increase the number of accidents on the road.
Clients’ Experiences With Boundaries
Maya: Throughout the book, you offer hypothetical situations to bring the examples to life for readers, especially in the “Using Your Boundaries to Help Others Feel Safe” section. Can you describe a time when one of your clients used their boundaries to reach this goal? What did they learn from that?
Victoria: One of my clients had an unfortunate habit of calling her husband a very mean and hurtful name when she was upset with him or just wanted to make a point. Although her inner teenager loved talking to her husband this way, her wise (thankfully) adult did not. She stopped calling him this disrespectful name and committed to tell someone if she did. She was largely successful with her commitment, which caused her to respect herself more and created more harmony, peace, and respect in her marriage.
Personal Experience with Boundaries
Maya: From your experience, what boundaries did you let go of or keep from your childhood into your adulthood based on your content in Chapter 5?
Victoria: While no family gets a 100% scorecard on teaching boundaries to their children, I’m fortunate in that I grew up in a family system that valued using kind words, avoiding raising voices or yelling, and respecting physical privacy. These are boundaries and values worth keeping, and they describe how I still operate in the world. As a specialist in treating trauma, I particularly appreciate my parents’ awareness of the need to allow children physical privacy. I’ve heard many stories from clients over the years about how they weren’t allowed physical privacy in their childhood. Some weren’t allowed to close the bathroom door when they were taking a shower, and some even had the door to their bedroom removed off the hinges! These childhood experiences teach children that they don’t have a right to boundaries and cause them to have problems speaking up or protecting themselves in adulthood.
On the other hand, because my parents grew up in the 1940s and 50s, they had more rigid ideas (limits) around what girls or women could or should do or how they should behave. One example that comes to mind is that I learned early in life that it wasn’t “ladylike” to appear angry or to express anger. In the context of boundaries, this is an example of the use of the talking boundary. As I grew up, I developed a different perception about the usefulness of anger and its expression. Anger is a useful emotion that gives you important information about needing to set a boundary. Today, I make choices around expressing anger based on my priorities and needs—with boundaries, of course!
Parents Can Establish Boundaries With Their Children
Maya: What can parents and guardians learn about creating personal boundaries for their children based on the information in Chapter 5?
Victoria: As a parent or guardian, the wisest action is learning about and improving your boundaries. Children learn more from what they observe than through the words they speak. And when words and behavior don’t match, the words become meaningless. If you improve your boundaries, your children’s boundaries will improve. Full stop.
One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make around physical boundaries is telling a child they must have physical contact with another person; for example, telling a child that they must hug an uncle or a grandparent when they don’t want to. In that moment you’re teaching your child that they don’t have a right to their own physical boundaries, which is not what a conscious parent would want to teach their child.
Maya: How important is it for someone to recognize someone else’s boundary alongside their own?
Victoria: Chapter 7 shows you how to know when you need to create a boundary. Recognizing others’ boundaries is only possible when they communicate their boundary to you. For example, if I don’t want you to come to my home after 9 pm but I don’t tell you, there is no way for you to know or to honor my boundary. On the other hand, if someone tells you not to come to their home after 9 pm, and if you show up at their home after 9 pm, you are violating their boundary.
Readers Can Take Away Many Principles from Personal Boundaries
Maya: What advice would you give readers about the trial and error of creating personal boundaries?
Victoria: Chapter 18 is the sixth step in the six-step process I created for identifying, developing, and maintaining effective boundaries. The sixth step is to evaluate your results and see what went wrong.
Life is one experiment after another. I invite readers to have an experimentation mindset when learning about and implementing boundaries. As one of my therapists told me several decades ago, “I want you to go out there and make a lot of mistakes!” That’s how we learn. The more you learn and experiment with boundaries, the easier it gets. Sometimes it’s even fun!
Maya: What do you want readers to take away from Personal Boundaries for Dummies?
Victoria: I want readers to fully appreciate the life-changing benefits of understanding and implementing personal and relationship boundaries—even those who roll their eyes whenever they hear the word boundaries. I want you to have confidence that you will have effective, healthy boundaries with the correct information, experimentation, and practice!
Priya Is On The Move Promoting This Gem
Maya: How are you promoting your book and its content to audiences?
Victoria: Before Personal Boundaries For Dummies was published, I hosted a free six-week insider event for everyone who pre-ordered the book. The insiders got sneak preview excerpts from the book, six live Q&A sessions with me, and bonus resources not offered to anyone else. This is a great way to connect with your audience, boost pre-order sales, and reach a larger audience.
One of the reasons I’m grateful to have the opportunity to do this interview is that within about a month of the book’s publication, my family was blindsided by a crisis that has taken a significant amount of my time and energy to navigate. And speaking of boundaries, crises are situations that force you to prioritize what is most important and create limits and parameters around your time, energy, and resources—all that to say that marketing has been on the back burner. As life settles down, I look forward to sharing with more people the life-changing impact of this book.
Advice For Readers Who Want To Publish A Book
Maya: Any advice or tips for our readers regarding writing and publishing a book?
Victoria: Write about what you love would be first and foremost. If you don’t love the topic you’re writing about, you won’t have the energy to sustain the effort it takes to write and publish a book. One of the best pieces of advice I got early on was to avoid trying to write a book for everyone but instead, focus on a smaller audience.
I also highly recommend you have a plan for how you want to leverage your book. Think of the book as a way to start or expand a project or area of your business rather than focusing on how many books you will sell or how much money you will make from book sales. Of course, if you’re J.K. Rowling or Oprah decides to promote your book, you will make a lot of money! For the rest of us, publishing needs to be part of an overall plan or simply something you absolutely must say whether or not it is commercially successful.
Ask yourself, “Does writing and publishing a book sound fun?” If your answer is yes, then go for it!
About The Author
Victoria Priya, LCSW (formerly Vicki Tidwell Palmer) is the author of Personal Boundaries For Dummies, Moving Beyond Betrayal, and host of the popular Beyond B*tchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries podcast (2018-2021). She is a master coach who works with clients from all walks of life—from entrepreneurs to home-schooling moms. Her clients call her the “Boundaries Queen.”
